Blog Humbug?

So, I decided that I am not properly feeling the holly-jolly christmas spirit that I should be feeling this late in December. This is despite the fact that the adorable wreath I hot-glued sparkley ornaments onto (side note: my hot glue gun is in the running for being one of the best birthday presents I have ever received) is hanging proudly on my door, and I have decked out my christmas tree in jazzy, color-coordinated decorations. I am not feeling Christmas-y. At all.

I could chalk it up to being away from home for the very first time during the Christmas season, or blame it on the fact that Rexburg is all but deserted since the school break is on, or point the finger of blame on the dearth of Christmas carols on my Itunes. Whatever the cause, I am feeling very decidedly un-jolly for the first time ever this close to Christmas.

Let me explain something, though. It would be an understatement to say that my family and I are "very festive people." We enthusiastically decorate our home for every major holiday, and even color-coordinate our outfits for family pictures in proper holiday-related color schemes. So, like I said, we are very festive, and I LOVE it. I miss it.

As I was saying, I was feeling a little blue (which, by the way, is not even a Christmas color for goodness sakes) from the absence of my Christmas cheer. To remedy that, I thought that I could get in the spirit by re-reading "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens.

Bad idea. Very bad idea. In my haste to find a cure for my Scroogey mood, I forgot how creep-tacular the beginning of that book is. I also forgot how much of a scaredy-cat I am. Anyone who has watched a scary movie with me knows what I'm talking about - except, when I'm reading something scary, I can't cover my eyes like I do during the movies. I just keep going.

Reading what is essentially a spooky old ghost story, was not a good idea to do all alone on a cold, white winter's night... which, by the way, is eerily similar to the setting in the book right before -you guessed it!- good old undead Marley shows up.


So, I think I'll save that particular re-read for next week, when I go back to Utah to be with the fam for Christmas. Until then, I'll download and blast some of Brenda Lee's Christmas album and drink lots of eggnog, and it will have to suffice.

All I have got to say is that Marley's ghost had better not star in my nightmares tonight. Fingers crossed.

PS: Thanks a heap, Charles Dickens.

(apology NOT accepted.)


So, I saw the Twilight movie.

And I haven't blogged yet about how much I liked it! There were parts that I felt were over-cheezy, but then there were other parts and scenes that had seemed cheezy to me in the book, that the movie turned around and made totally awesome. For example - vampire baseball. In the book, I was like, "Big whoop. They run fast and bump into each other. Blablabla." However, in the movie, that scene is one of my favorites. It's so fun! Overall, I really feel that it captured the spirit of the book. There were literally times that I gasped - when we first get introduced to the Cullens in the cafeteria, or when Carlisle walks into the hospital room.

It just brought the best and most important parts of the book to life! Which is alot more than most book-to-movie adaptations can boast. I cannot wait for New Moon. Hopefully, the budget will be MUCH bigger the second time around, because my main qualms with Twilight were the uber cheap special-effects. (Note: If the werewolves end up looking like stuffed animals or Michael J. Fox in 'Teen Wolf', I will have a SERIOUS issue.) Overall, I liked it alot, and I may add to this mini-review when I see it again, because the details will be fresh. As a book-to-movie adaptation, I give it an A-, and as a movie as a whole, I give it a B+.

Also: This made me laugh. But I must warn you, it has eaqual parts hilarity & creepy-disturbingness. Not for the faint of heart, or the puppet-phobic. But still way funny!


LOLcatz 4 Lyfe, holmes.

Because you don't need a reason to put LOLcatz on your blog. Enjoi!!1! (<--intentional misspelling)


Heck freaking YES!

FACT: I love Paramore. They're so spunky.

FACT: Also, in case you didn't know, I'm uber stoked about the Twilight movie premiere.

FACT: I also have a weirdish affinity to music videos; I've always loved them. I don't know why, really. That being said....

FACT: This video is made of awesome.

TWILIGHT - Paramore Music Video


My feelings on Prop 8.

So, Prop 8.

The California Legislation that defines marriage as between a man and a woman.

I would have voted for it, were I still a resident in California. Does this mean I hate/dislike gay people? Of course not. I have dear friends who are gay; I love them, and I worry that they may not count me among their friends after I post this. That worry, however should not (and will not) deter me from feeling the way I do, and expressing my feelings. SO...

If Prop 8 took away any one's rights, I would not vote for it. Period. It is a proposition that defines marriage as one man and one woman. Therefore, it is only reinforcing the standard definition of traditional marriage. This proposition isn't a revolutionary ruling. What I mean, is that there are already many restrictions on what is legally acceptable as a binding marriage. You cannot marry a minor. You cannot marry more than one living person at a time. You cannot marry your pet goat.

I support domestic partnerships - because they ensure that the rights (the rights that so many people think that Prop 8 would take away from homosexual individuals) are kept intact. Straight and Gay individuals will still have the right to get married, as they do now. They both currently have the right to marry one member of the opposite sex, who is of legal age. Everyone (gay or straight) has that right. If a individual is gay, they can still have all of the legal rights and privilege that same-sex couples do through domestic partnerships. Every one's rights are still intact; Prop 8 allows everyone, gay or straight, in California to exercise their right to vote and define marriage.

An example of a ruling that would take away the rights of gay people and gay couples would be a reversal of the current domestic partnership rulings. This would force a gay person to do something that is dishonest and insulting to them (marry a member of the opposite sex) in order to have the opportunity to gain the full legal benefits that married couples have. That would promote inequality, and be unconstitutional. I would not vote for a reversal on the domestic partnership rulings, because that would take away some one's right to live an honest life, and receive legal benefits equal to their straight counterparts.

Basically, I don't think that a committed romantic relationship between a man and a woman is the same as a committed romantic relationship between a gay couple or a lesbian couple. Prop 8 agrees with me. That doesn't mean that alternative couples shouldn't be allowed to be together, or that I don't think that they wouldn't know how to lovingly raise a child...

Which brings me to my last point. I think that no matter how dedicated, loving, and sincere they are, being raised by two dads or two moms is not the same as being raised by one mom and one dad.

It's different.

The repercussions of Prop 8, should it pass, would allow my children to be taught in school that same-sex couples and straight couples are different things. That part is tricky; some people would argue that "Love is Love." Yep, love is love. But legally binding marriage IS NOT THE SAME as domestic partnerships, though love is undoubtedly vital to both. Prop 8 doesn't change that.

I strongly feel that all children deserve to be raised in homes where there is a mom and a dad, and that nature & Deity have crafted both genders to compliment and supplement each other in the sacred task of raising children. I feel that raising children in a traditional family setting is ideal. Of course things like divorce, abuse, death or any other number of circumstances can intervene and prevent the ideal; but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be sought for.


That's all :)


I kind of want to punch myself in the face.

So. It seems that every sunday, all the forces of nature combine to make sure I don't go to church.

I know, I know, I need to stop blaming things outside of myself for my own mistakes. I'm full of excuses, but seriously! Today, for example. In pressing the snooze button, I am assuming I must have reset my clock to be an hour earlier than the actual time. When I woke up, and started getting ready, I noticed that the clock on my computer indicated that I was not going to even make it to RS, which is at the end of the block. I continued to get ready, in the vain hope that my computer was wrong (note to self - computer clocks are never wrong.) So, as I was ready to head out the door, my roomate walked in.

"I missed RS, didn't I?" I asked glumly.

"Yea, you did."

"I want to punch myself in the face."

That is all.


Quotes of the day.

"If cancer were riding a bike, I would poke a stick through the tire spokes and laugh as it hit the ground. Even if cancer were a puppy, I would punch it the face."

(during my appointment a few weeks ago with my Doc)
Me:"I didn't expect to be okay. I didn't expect to be able to cope, but I am. I feel strong enough to actually be of use to my mom, and to help her and everyone else through this."
Dr. C: "There's something embedded deep in human nature, that allows us to rise to the occasion. You are healthy now, and that's why you are able to rise to the occasion!"
Me:"That's kind of awesome."


I am sooo Cesar Milan.

I'm kind of... a dog whisperer. I taught Ozzie how to stop barking. Thank you, thank you. (BOWS.) Be proud. However, I don't know if it will still work tomorrow. We shall see.



Why do my-favorite-book-turned-movie trailers give me the chills? I don't know.... I'll get back to you on that. I just ... love them.


Twilight Trailer-

Things I liked-
1) Eeery mood music. Very spooky.
2) The whole first minute. Pretty kosher. I liked how the 'fade to black' effect was used to make it feel like we are looking in, as an observer, blinking our eyes.
3) The 'Edward catching the apple in his hands, like the book cover!' thing. Cute! [Edward: Want some forbidden fruit? Me: YES.]

Things that made me giggle -
1)How monotone they were. "We are in love. Monotonously."
2)Edward's face when he is in the tree, explaining how his family is different. He looks as though he is pooping his pants.
3)Edward being a spider-monkey-vamp crawling up the tree.

Half-Blood Prince Trailer-


quote of the day.

At work...

(I work at a call center. We are those chipper people who call during dinner and ask if you'd like to take a survey. heh.)

[Me]: "Bla bla bla bla, thanks for your response. Next question is...."

[Nasty Backwoods Creeper Man]: "Ah am done with yerr survey. It's tahme for me to ask the questions. What is your name and have you ever been to a nudist colony?"



Pushing Daisies and retardation.

Item 1- I am currently obsessed with the show "Pushing Daisies" on ABC. It's quite fantastical, hilarious and fun, and I've been watching the seasons of it ABC.com. I love the internet. Also, Ned the piemaker is a cutie patootie. Who doesn't love a guy in an apron?

"Want some pie?" YES.

Item 2- "Talking during a picture can give the illusion of mental retardation." -Kristin.
Very true, and the blog she posted on her childhood awkwardness has inspired me to make one of my own.

I don't think we have any pictures of me actually wearing my headgear, (shudder), but I still think you should prepare yourself for the raw, gritty photos of the orthodontic catastrophe that led to the necessity of my headgear that will be in my next blog. Be afraid.


Quotes from home.

Nicole: "Look at that guy. He's a hard-A."
[guy looks at her]
Nicole: "Oh my gosh he heard me! He's gonna kill me with his glock!"
Later on, at the dinner table...

Jackie: "Tupac faked his death. He's still alive."
Kristin/Michelle: "Hey, maybe Heath Ledger did too!"
Nicole: "Yea, Tupac is alive on some desert island with the black Michael Jackson."

Brook Tarbet: "Your dog looks like Two-Face."
Me: "Ozzie IS Harvey Dent."


The Office season 5.

It is going to be epic. I watched the opener tonight (ONE HOUR SPECIAL OHHHH YEA), and it was amazing. Almost every line in it was quote-worthy. I don't want to spoil anyone (in case you didn't catch it), so I will only disclose my favorite line -

"I wrote you a goodbye poem, and the last word was seagull."

-Michael, to Pam right before she drives away. (He then tries to kiss her goodbye.)

Also - I was looking for still shots from tonights episode, and I couldn't find any. Instead, I found this EW cover, and I kind of love it.


Quote of the day.

"Therefore I befriend that elephant in the room, and am guaranteed safety from flying pee, poo, and feet. Not to mention derrieres. Homies don't crush each other with their giant butts."

- Kristin


I think I like Fall Out Boy more than I liked Hanson.

No joke. And for those of you who knew me between the ages of 13 and 16, that is a bold declaration. I don't have their posters lining all my walls, (YET), but I am seriously considering it. (Late apologies to Kristin for having Hanson all over my walls when we were sharing a room in Jr High....)

FOB's new single is out, and their album drops 2 days before my birthday! I am in heaven.

Oh. And Patrick Stump is a dreamboat. Kthxbai!



"I'm just going to pay my tithing, pay my rent, and cross my fingers."
-me, to my mom

Ostriches are HILARIOUS...

....in pretty much any situation. But ESPECIALLY when they are acting like thugs.


Mosquito bites.

I was running a little late for work today, and I didn't have time to put on any makeup at all. When I got to my class, one of my new students crawled over to where I was sitting. He put his face really close to my nose, and asked, "How did you get all those mosquito bites on your face?"

Me: "uhhh....they're... uhh.... class, who can find the color blue?!" (or something distracting of the sort)


Oh mahgosh, it's Weezer!

I just got this notice on Facebook......

Event Info Artists: Weezer and Angels & Airwaves

Event name: Weezer with Angels and Airwaves and Tokyo Police Club

Price: 36.5 - 39.5

Time and Place Date: Tuesday, Oct 7 @ 7:30 PM

Venue: The E-Center of West Valley City

City: West Valley City

State/Province: Utah

Source: Ticketmaster

I must go! I will find a way.... (Hint hint, perhaps I could get them as a very early birthday present....I'm shamelessly begging....)


I like these. A lot.

Okay, my Breaking Dawn review is still coming, but I had to share these pictures. They give me great joy.

But, I still feel the need to ask.....Why do cats in pictures with captions have such bad grammar and spelling skills?

Perhaps it's their lack of formal education. Have you ever met a cat that has passed the second grade? Me neither.


Breaking Dawn Part 1!!!

I decided on the spur of the moment to go to the Breaking Dawn release party in Idaho Falls on friday!! It was fabulous. Here are some pictures! My spoiler-free book review and event report will follow soon. Enjoy!!

(My book, topped by the plastic vampire teeth favors they were passing out)

(these our our excited faces!)

(the stampede at midnight)

(a view of the entrance - this was after I had gotten by book!)


"You little DEMON!"

I literally just yelled that out loud.

I was casually surfing the net, thinking that it had been a while since I had blogged, and that I ought to.... when out of the corner of my eye I noticed little speck on my computer desk that looked oddly out of place. Then, it moved. And then, I noticed that the speck had brought along some friends...

Ants. I LOATHE ants. I jumped up, and made the aforementioned excaimation at the most brazen of the little buggers, who was attempting to climb onto my keyboard.

I was having none of that.

So, I grabbed the bleach, and sprayed him to Hades. Gah. Ants freak me out, because you know that they're never alone, and the thought of an ant-army-onslaught in my happy little bedroom makes me nervous. Eeek. So now, I am all cringey and jumpy.

Anywho! Other than the ants, things have been good. I just started a cleaning job at the apartment complex I live at(WHOOO HOO MONEY!) and I kinda love it. I am a cleaning freak, and getting payed WHILE I clean and dance around to the songs on my IPod is quite rewarding. Rewarding, but not always glamourous. I was cleaning a bedroom in one of the vacant guy's buildings, and there were boogers smeared on the wall by the bed. Seriously. Like, multiple boogers - as in, "Hi. I am a college student and I make it a habit to wipe boogies on my wall."

Dude! People over the age of seven have no excuse for confusing their wall for a Kleenex. I hope whoever's room that was somehow reads this (yes, I'm talking to you, random former tenant from 'Building 2') and feels ashamed of himself.

Ba haha. Luckily, boogie cleaning is an acquired skill of mine - I knew all those years at the daycare would pay off somehow!


Brain space.

So, I had decided against blogging (or thinking, for that matter) any more about my roomate troubles. Mainly because nobody likes a complainer, and also because she has already taken up plenty of my brainspace and blogspace. But, I promised details, and since I wrote about it in the comments to my "hurray for awesome quotes" blog, I'll post them here so everyone knows the down-low on my lovely housemate, and then I will banish her from my consciousness.

I may, however, still sing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead," when she moves her final box out of the apartment. We'll see.


Kristin May said...
What Happened? I must know..

I said...
oh, you know. When I asked her if the friend that was moving suitcases into her room was going to be staying with us, she said, "I didn't ask you."

I said, "Yea, I know. So is she?"

And she went postal. Told me I was annoying, needed to get a life (actually she said 'get sahm layfe', but that was the gist), and to stop bothering her. We argued, and she just kept screaming, banshee-like. She then went into her room, and slammed the door.

Management said she's not allowed to have anymore guests, and they're charging her for the other stowaway that was in her room for almost a month.

As you can imagine, it's rather awkward to bump into her in the kitchen or at the bathroom sink, but, you know.


Kimberly said...
Oh, Tami! This is hard!! I am glad that quote helped ease a little frustration. It is a really great thought!

steve groch. said...

Theres some shady people in rexburg. Believe me, I'm friends with some of them. One guy seriously has called me to complain about how unfair it is that his landlord was trying to get him to pay for rent even though he was out of town for most of the month. Ridiculous right? Then they kicked him out and he thinks hes the coolest guy around because he moved his stuff into a friends apartment in the same complex and sleeps on different peoples couches. Plus he has b.o. Every box of crayons has to have it's ugly colors or we would think something is missing. I think I just made that up. I'm sorry your roommate sucks but you're awesome and you'll make it and on the bright side, people are going to like you even more now because you've got some good stories to tell.

Kristin May said...

baaaa hahaha. steve you make me laugh.. and tami.. i'm sorry she's crazy. I KNOOOOOW how that goes. Look on the bright side. She doesn't walk around in her underwear and there are no mysterious red bugs in your apartment nesting in her pile of dirty clothes. I had a roomy like that. shudder.

I said...

hahaha. Actually, she runs around in either a skimpy lingerie nighty that shows her butt or gym shorts and a tie-dyed tank top with no bra.

Shudder. She always used to complain about how cold it was, (when she was wearing said items), and would turn up the furnace to like, 90 degrees.

So, we took the batteries out. And that was that.


Queen of penny-pinching.

Penny pinching. It's such a weird phrase. But it makes sense, I guess. Anywho.

I am so darn proud of my thriftyness that I wanted to blog about it. I've never really had to be super careful with my money before, and I am just now realizing how it feels to be really broke. And, oddly enough, it's not depressing - it's sort of empowering to be able to look at something in Walmart, and know instantly that you could get it at the Dollar Tree for cheaper.

Back to the point. So, I went to Egan Lake today for a ward activity (SO FUN!). The problem was, I didn't have any swim shorts. I'm a little body conscious, so just wearing my one-peice was out of the question. The second part of the problem was, I didn't have the money in my budget for swim shorts. What to do, you ask?

I made some. I made swim shorts out of an old pair of capris that I never wear. And they turned out pretty dang cute.

I feel very thrifty and empowered. Yay for penny-pinchers around the world.


Hurray for awesome quotes.

So, many things have transpired tonight between me and my roomate (AKA the wicked witch of the Rex). Don't worry, I'll give you all the details on the warfront later, probably tomorrow. But I will say, that I wanted to street fight her tonight. Straight up. However, when I took a moment outside to catch my breath, cry, and call my RA, a little quote I read a few days ago helped me get out of street-fighting mode. It is: (I got it from www.forbetterlife.org, check them out!)

“I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him. ”
—Booker T. Washington (1856-1915)

It helped. Luckily... Because I imagine that I wouldn't be that great of a street-fighter anyways.


Stinky Carpet.

It is finally summertime in Idaho - and although I am super excited for all the fun and tomfoolery and popsicle- yumminess that summertime brings, my apartment doesn't have air conditioning. Which wouldn't be so bad, if I had enough money to buy a fan. It would also be nice if the heat didn't make the decade-old carpet in my little home smell like old milk and feet. That would be great.

So, here I am, sitting at my computer, doing homework... with no pants on. It is just too hot for pants.

I feel a tradition coming on.


Ah. One more month.

Today I was told that I was a "Reedeeculuss Heepocreet" and that I should be ashamed of myself... and that my friendly foreign roomate was "Done talking to me forevar."

Awesome. I love getting yelled at... for being an uncultured American. Cause I guess she hates Americans. And buying lightbulbs/toilet paper.

On a happier note, I got my temple recommend today!!!! Whooooo! It's been so long, and I am beyond excited to go back. The temple here in the 'Burg is literally across the street from my apartment... and it's going to be so awesome to be able to seek it's peace & safety again. YAY!!


Toilet Paper Wars.

No, not the kind you think. Not the fun kind where you sneak up on someone's house in the dead of night and decorate their front porch with Charmin.

This war is the kind where roomies outright refuse to contribute financially towards the things he/she uses, ie, TP, garbage bags, lightbulbs, and paper towels. And since my rent clause doesn't include being the Toilet Paper Fairy for this individual, I bring my roll into the bathroom, and I leave with it.

This. Is. War.

I know being passive-agressive about it isn't healthy....but I'll update this with more information in a month. When I MOVE.


Tales from La Petite, Part 1

Here are a few more memorable kid quotes I dug up, except these are from La Petite Academy. Just as awesome, though. These are from my sweet 4-year-olds....... Enjoy!

I was observing a few of my girl students playing a weird game in the play-kitchen area. They had made a boy, Devin, lay down in the cradle with his eyes closed, while they took turns poking at him with plastic spoons and hairbrushes and the like. Mystified, I asked what they were playing, to which Kourtney (the ringleader) replied simply, "Dead." Cuh-reeeepay.

Gaven was roughhousing with his older brother, Caden. He bonked his face on a toy accidentally, and immedietely Caden exclaimed, "Gaven!! Oh no, you hurt your face! Mom says that's your money-maker!"

I was planning a lesson durning naptime, when I heard something that strikes fear into the heart of any pre-school teacher - a fervent cry of, "EMERGENCY!!! EMERGENCY!! TEACHER!!!" coming from the bathroom. I sprinted over, trying not to panic as scenes of little Jake with his head stuck between the toilet and the wall, or of his shoe clogging the toilet filled my mind. I got to the door, and there he was, sitting very still on the toilet, his blue eyes huge.

"Jake! What's the problem?" I panted, out of breath.

"Miss Tami!! My poop is GREEN!" he said.

(Breif pause)

"That's okay, honey. Sometimes poop is just....green." I said, relieved.

"Okay. Do you want to see it?"

"Nope. That's okay."

Devin was playing in the dressups, with a big, white blanket over his head, when I heard him say to his buddy, "I am the ghost of Christmas Pageant...."

Aiden was coloring a picture with markers, and was concentrating very hard on the paper. However, the child sitting next to her was amusing herself by occasionally smacking Aiden with her ever-present blankey. It was after one particularly hard whip of the blanket that Aiden finally cried,"Would you quit SWACKIN' that at me?!"

The swacking ended, and Miss Alex asked with a laugh, "Aiden, where do you learn words like that?"

"Um, I don't know....actually, Jesus. Maybe."


Talking, mythical woodland creatures rock my socks.

So, I saw 'The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian' on friday, and I felt compelled to document the awesome viewing experience that it was.

Wow. I mean, just wow.

I may be a little biased, since I am 1.)A fantasy-loving nerd, 2.)A diehard fan of all things magical, and 3.)Of the mind that C.S. Lewis was one of the greatest storytellers of the century. All that aside, I think anyone who watches the movie will come away feeling a little more....Narnian. Ha ha.

The plotline moved fast, but it was really easy to keep up with, even if you haven't read the book (I haven't since I was 8). Breathtaking scenery, and great cinematography. It also had some pretty intense action sequences, and, as always, was a perfect blend of the entertaining and the symbolic.

If I were to rate it on a scale of 1-10, it would get a rating of "Magical".

The End.


Kid quotes - Candy Campus style

My fabulous mother found the beloved little pink notebook that has all of the quotes from the kids at Candy Campus Daycare that me and my sister Kristin jotted down while we worked there. I was so relieved (THANKS MOM) and excited to be able to finally put them in my blog! Hurray.

And without any further delay....


Riley was holding a seashell up to her ear. The other kids had made comments like, "It sounds like the beach!" or, "I can hear splashes!" Riley got very serious, and said, "I hear someone screaming!!"

"In Cali-forneeeya, I was at a store, and I saw a lady with a beard - then she died. Thats....just how they die." --Griffen

"Mexican horses can fly." --Griffen

"When I grow up, I want to be a policeman," then, looking at my teeth, he added, "with braces." --Griffen

We were having a class discussion about why we don't say bad words. "Sometimes I say panties, and that's a bad word," Jessica said, brightly.

There was a fly bopping around the classroom, and when it landed, River said, "Hey, look! It's baby bumblebee, and it's pooping honey. Take a look!"

"Jello is made out of eyeballs." --Kali

Christian led me over to another teacher by the hand while we were having outside time. He let go, pointed to us both and said, very seriously, "I want YOU to wrestle YOU."

"My Grandpa Chuck is really bald. He always has a sweaty head, and he's too poor to buy a hat. Maybe my dad should buy him one." --Aspen

"If anyone is ever mean to me, I'll tell my dad. He's a good wrestler." --Aspen

"I saw a grasspopper once on a flower." --Jenny

"Grasshoppers have their ears on their knees. That's why they hear so good..." --Kadin

In my class, we referred to body parts and such as "potty words." I heard something vulgar on the other side of the dollhouse, so I looked over and asked, "Who said that?" Jace looked at me guiltily and said, "Okay, I said the shower word."

"I went for a jig today with Grandpa," River said.
"A jog? you mean?" I asked.
"Yah, a jig!" he said brightly.

Kadin was looking down a large heater vent with another student. "The devil lives down there, you know," he said to her solemnly.

We were having a lesson about the solar system, and I asked my class what the sun does for us, here on Earth. "It makes you sweat and gets all the bad germs out of your body," Kadin said.

2004/2005 - FOUR YEAR OLD CLASS (these are from me & Kristin)

Natalie said, "Teacher I so love you and missed you so much!" and then looked at my necklace and said, "Are you getting married?"

The kids were having a dance party and then decided they should have boy/girl partners. Natalie and James were slow dancing to a fast song, and Emily said (referring to Natalie and James)"That is SICK and WRONG."

One day the floor was extra messy with crackers. Cayden wasn't participating in the circle-time activity. He had his face down under the table, and when I called his name, he sat up - and his mouth was covered in cracker crumbs. He was licking them right off the carpet.

Tayvia said, "I really like boys. They like me too, when I do this," and she batted her eyelashes.

Natalie had just worken up from quiet time, and her hair was sticking up all over the place. She raised her eyebrows and said matter-of-factly, "I like butter, you know."

Emily pointed to a reddish birthmark on her forehead. She said, "Angels really do have lipstick. My mom said they kissed me here when I was in heaven."

James was holding a bouquet of toy flowers. He then said, "Lets marry somebody!" in his best grown-up voice.

Parker pointed to himself and said, "You call me pocket knife, and I'll call you real pocket knife."

"Did you know there was a Hell storm? There really was...." --Logan

Emily was playing with the toy flowers. She placed one in my hair, and told me I was going to get married. "Who am I going to marry?" I asked, playing along.
After a thoughtful pause, she said, "George Bush."

Parker was looking at the Halloween decorations in the classroom. He asked me if I knew what he was going to be for Halloween. I shook my head, and he said, "FREAK-EN-STEIN!"

James didn't know I was listening to him talk with his friends. He said, "I let my mom wipe my butt. But, not with her hand." He paused, and then yelled, "STOP LAUGHING!"

Quentin came up to me during quiet time and said, "My tummy hurts." I asked him what it felt like, and he said, "Red."

Emily had just sat down to her seat at the lunch table, and I noticed she was playing with her full milk cup. I asked her to stop, and she said, "I'm not playing. I'm blessing it."
She put her hands on the top of her cup, closed her eyes, and mumbled something. Then she spilled her milk.

We were leaning about money one day, and I asked what 5 pennies added up to. With proud excitement, Cayden screamed, "A NIPPLE!!!" instead of a nickel.

Natalie made a pretend microphone out of the blocks, pointed it at my face, and said, "Talk to the hand," with a serious face.

"Teacher, we're gonna make chicken-noodle soup with blood in it, and poison!" James exclaimed.
"Why?" I asked.
"To make someone drink it and spit it out!!" Parker joined in, as James continued, "...and bats in it! and Rampires in it! And we'll cut off Cayden's hand and make him put it in it! And mix it with sprite and coke. And we each have to put a shoe in it. We're making poison-noodle-soup and shoes."

James looked at Sinai and said, "Sinai looks like a strooooong man."

Cayden took a rock from outside and as he put it in his cubby, he said solemnly, "I like to lick them."

We were watching 'Beauty and the Beast' on movie day. The part of the movie came when the magic rose dies, and the Beast lays down and looks dead. Then, a magic raindrop falls, and the music changes to a hopeful tune.
Cassidy looked up at me and said in an excited voice, "I know what he's going to turn into!!! A BREAST!"......I have no idea what she was trying to say.

The kids were all watching the sunset when Cayden said, "I think that's Jesus's. He makes the sun come up and down."

Daisha came up to my desk and put a huge lego thing on wheels on my desk. I said, "Daisha! That's very nice! Is it a train?"
"No," she said, "It's what carries the princesses when they die."

Parker walked up to me and said, "I....am a broken woman. I really am." (FYI, Parker is a boy.)

Tyler pointed to a naked barbie, looked at it's white plastic 'undies', and said "EEEEWWWW!" and threw it on the floor in disgust.

James was crying and I asked him what was the matter. He said, "I'm just having a hard day."
I asked why, and he said, "Because I'm having a heart attack!!"

During outside time, Dannica came up and told me that her cat "..always fwisks awound da house wiff my scwunchies."

The new girl, Aliyah, was having a really hard time adjusting to daycare. She had layed down on the carpet sadly and just was watching everyone play. Emilee walked up to her, put her face close to Aliyah's, and said, "Daycare sucks, huh?"

Wyatt pointed to the waffle blocks and said, "Can I play with the pan-cakes?"

Parker was singing, "Foot shoes, fruit loops, duck-dutch-sunny shoes!" to the tune of 'Footloose'.

We were having a lesson on feelings, and I had the children color those 'Happy and Sad upside-down' faces. Afterwards, we were talking about how sometimes we feel sad, and sometimes we feel happy. I asked if we could ever feel happy and sad at the same time.
"Yes!" Cayden said, smiling while pulling down the other corner of his mouth to make a 'half-frown.'

I'm guessing that Daisha and Brynne were playing school, because Brynn was sitting in a chair while Daisha strolled around and read to her in a very grown-up voice. I overheard her saying somthing about Chinese hair, and jewelry, and then she said, "In China, they do not respect beer."

Cayden and Parker had just found out that we were going to watch a movie that afternoon. All of a sudden, they both started dancing and singing "I love movie day, movie day, oh yea!" to the tune of 'lets get physical' by Olivia Newton John.

Natalie looked at me and said, "I'm going to have a baby kitty, and it's going to come out of my tummy, and it won't have any sharp teeth."

Quentin came up to me and said, "Geez, Kip, thanks for eating all the freakin' chips." He sounded EXACTLY like Napoleon Dynamite. I burst out laughing.

Out of nowhere, Cayden pointed to his ears and said, "Look! I have elk-ears. I really do."

We were drawing family portraits as a part of our lesson, and then we talked about them. When it was Braxton's turn, he pointed to his picture.
"This is Ethan, my brother," he said, "and this is me. I'm a jellyfish."

Erin and I were reminiscing about the day the poopy toilet overflowed all over the carpet. Hearing us, Austin said, "There is a dead body, with no head, in that shower. His head got the toilet all plugged."

Stephanie said to me, "My little brother is a Monkey-Butt-Farmer," with a giggle.


Tears of....

I really can't figure out what you call the tears that happen when you laugh too hard, and start crying. Because they're not tears of joy, exactly; they're not like the kind you cry at weddings or when a mommy holds her newborn. Hm. I'll just call them tears of funny.

Today was the first day in a long time that I cried for two entirely separate reasons, but neither instance was negative. The first time was a few hours ago, while reading my new favorite book, "The Host" - there were really tender parts in it, and while some of it was wrenching, none of my tears were sad. Just touched.

About 20 minutes ago, I was reading my little sister Nicole's blog about tetherball and fish, and I started laughing so hard that I was sobbing. Not just a lone tear, trickling out as I calmed down - I was crying. And wheezing. And I had to reach for the same box of tissues that I had used earlier.

It was weird, because in that moment when I grabbed the tissues, I just felt so lucky. Because it wasn't that long ago that crying twice in one day, and going through tissues like no one's business, wasn't something that was out of place for me. When sadness and fatigue and helplessness and stress were the cause of my overflowing emotions. Come to think of it, I can't pinpoint the last time that I cried because I was sad...

It's funny how life can tip you upside down, rattle you around, and spit you out, but still let you land on your feet somehow. No, it's not funny actually, it's amazing. And the fact that I had a loving family and a strong support system to help me to my feet made all the difference, I think.




Oh. My. Gosh.

I may or may not have watched this five consecutive times.


I also may or may not get the chills each time Edward looks at her after the car accident scene. And when he smiles at her before jumping into the forrest. And pretty much everytime he is on the screen. Yes, I surely have the hots for Jacob, but Edward will always be my love.

PS, am I the only one who thinks that this movie really is going to attract as many guys as girls? There's some pretty intense action! Ok, I'm done.


Okay, last thing!!

.....the play by play, courtesy of Larry's blog at MTV.com


Shot 1: A crane shot swoops in on Edward and Bella, alone in the woods of Forks. "How old are you?" she asks breathlessly, to which he replies, "17."

Shot 2: As Edward looks over her shoulder, Bella's eyes say it all (that Kristen Stewart can act!). "How long have you been 17?" she queries, afraid of the answer.

Shot 3: Edward, squatting down, feels the dangers of the forest. If such brevity could ever foreshadow the ominous events to come, Robert Pattinson is doing it nicely here. And is that a cheetah scream on the soundtrack?

Shot 4: In the most vivid display of deer destruction since "Bambi," Edward takes to the hunt. Quick shots of some poor animal who has no idea what's about to hit it are intercut with footage of a fast-moving Edward. For this vegetarian vampire, there is no other choice.

Shot 5: Take another look at Edward Cullen, and you might notice that he's eyeballing Bella the way we'd expect him to have hungered over that now-dead deer. Even in this brief trailer, we can see how director Catherine Hardwicke will portray Edward's undead dilemma. Oh, and what do you think of Pattinson's non-accented voice while saying "a while"?

Shot 6: The return of the tagline: "When you can live forever ..."

Shot 7: Edward soaring through the forest. It looks to me like he's running through trees, not on top of them. But do Twilighters even still care about this issue anymore, or has footage like this forgiven it?

Shot 8: Hey, it's somebody other than our star-crossed lovers! "This is wrong, Edward," warns Kellan Lutz, a.k.a. Emmett. "She's not one of us!"

Shot 9: A harried Edward takes in Emmett's advice. Is it just me, or does Robert look a lot like James Dean in "Rebel Without a Cause"?

Shot 10: A quick shot of Edward giving in to his desire ... for a little lip action.

Shot 11: The end of the tagline: "... what do you live for?"

Shot 12: Yes! This is what you've been waiting for, folks. Standing in the Forks High parking lot after getting dissed (yet again) by Edward, Bella leans against her truck.

Shot 13: Edward gives her the stink-eye from across the lot. Notice how far away he's standing.

Shot 14: As an out-of-control van veers into frame, a key moment from the "Twilight" novel comes to life.

Shot 15: Edward flies into the shot with superhuman speed, stopping the van from crushing Bella. His strength leaves a dent in the side of the vehicle.

Shot 16: As the soundtrack swells, both characters look up at each other, realizing all that has just been revealed. Well, does the scene look like you imagined it?

Shot 17: "From the worldwide bestseller ..." Don't you wish Stephenie would just appear here and take a bow or something? At least a little curtsy? OK, maybe not.

Shot 18: Edward and Bella in some sort of residence (the Cullen house?), as she attempts to assert some strength. "I'm not scared of you," Bella insists.

Shot 19: "You really shouldn't have said that," Edward replies, flashing a mischievous grin.

Shot 20: You'd better hold on tight, spider monkey! Edward whisks Bella through the window and into the tree-climbing adventure that reveals the full breadth of his power. That sound you hear is a few thousand Twilighters screaming, "OMG!" in unison.

Shot 21: The "Twilight" logo, surrounded by ominous clouds, with a bit of thunder on the soundtrack. As the release date of "12.12.08" follows behind it, we realize that we truly are in for one heck of a storm.


I've got the.....

I've got the "I've-been-watching-episodes-of- 'Lost' -all-day-on-my-laptop-because-my-desktop-doesn't-have-the-internet, -because-I-have-nothing-better-or-more-productive-to-do, -because-my-paycheck-doesn't-deposit-until-tomorrow-into-my-checking-account, -so-I-only-have-12-dollars-to-my-name-so-I-can't-even-do-my-laundry-at-the-coin-op, -so-I-guess-this-is-what-it-feels-like-to-be-a-poor-college-student-BLUES."

But I'll be better tomorrow. Cha-ching.


Week One. :)

It has FLOWN by, this week has. I don't even know where to start, and I mean that in a good way.

Lets see. My apartrment is ...classic 1980's arcitecture, but I like it. When I first walked in with Kristin and my Mom last week, the first thing that came to my attention was a dead fish in a fishbowl on the kitchen table. I was pretty sure that was a bad omen. But, when I emerged from unpacking a few hours later, my little fishy friend was up and swimming in circles in his bowl, and I was quite relieved. I have a private room (Halleleiuja!!) and I didn't realize that meant I'd get twice the closet space, two dressers AND two desks! And an extra bed. The size and splendor of having a huge room to myself pretty much makes up for the mystery stink that wafts through the apartment from time to time (?!), a tiny kitchen and shared bathroom, especially when you factor in that my roomates are cool.

One is the RA for the building, a returned missionary, and a bundle of happy energy. The other is a sweet married girl from Greece who's husband lives in Germany, and her main focus seems to be her studies. I am aware from my sisters' various horror stories of roomates that I COMPLETELY lucked out in that department. No "Nosy Nancys" or "Pushy Prudences." Hooray!

Rexburg is...quaint, and perfect in alot of ways. Judging from my cousin's description, I was a little leery of it based on the picture I had painted of this town in my mind: A highway, a campus the size of my CA highschool, and a lone Wal-Mart surrounded by acres of smelly cows. So, I was very pleasantly surprized when I drove down Main Street, lined with cutesy little shops, LOTS of businesses, bowling alleys, movie theaters, restaurants, you name it. It reminds me alot of Kaysville, except instead of being 30 minutes away from SLC, I am now 30 minutes away from....Nothing. Cows. Well, there is Bearworld, but I don't like to talk about that.

Classes have been AWESOME. I never realized just how much I missed learning. I mean, I could definately do without the note-taking and spell-checking, but man...it's good to be back in school. (During the frenzy of finals, I may or may not renounce that statement.) Campus is small, which means no getting lost, which is HUGE for me. I can get lost in a mall.

All in all, it has been a great beginning, a great jumping off point. There were a few hiccups here and there my first few days. I expected that I'd like it. Instead, I love it.


This makes my geeky life complete.

So, most of the people who read my blog (if there are people who read my blog) know me, and know that being a bookworm is always part of who I've been. I'm not ashamed of my nerdiness.

My unabashed love for Harry Potter and the gang has only recently been rivaled by the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. She's an awesome writer, and an even more awesome role model for young writers like myself. On one occasion when my girlfriends Megan, Robyn and I were discussing the books in minute detail with fanatic excitement, her husband Bill overheard us and noted that we were ''worse than Star Wars nerds." Its the truth, and I wear my geekdom with pride.

That being said, I had to share this!!!!



this one: (just for laughs)


Long live nerdiness. :)


"FEEEEEEEEELINGS, nothing more than....

.......Feeeeeeeeelings," (as sung by Steve Urkel whilst accompanied by an accordian).

So, you could say that I've been having mixed feelings all week. I move out of my home and 3 hours away from my family in nine days- and I am not panicking.

I should be.

I am leaving a job that I adore, and a class of toddlers that I adore even more. I just keep waiting for the tears to come - but they won't.

I am registered for college classes, and instead of going into a mad frenzy of stress on account that I haven't so much as sat through an educational lecture in over 5 years....I'm just smiling.

I'm crazy happy. And anxious. I fully anticipate that all this positive energy will evaporate in the fervor of squeezing all my earthly posessions into my little Mitsubishi 'Delilah', and heading off into the sunset. But, for now, I'm happy. And wicked excited.



Modest is the HOTTEST.

I am so inspired by the women who stubbornly make their mark in the fashion world - by insisting on modesty without compromise. My little sis Nicole pointed me in the direction of Elizamagazine.com (which completely rocks, by the way) and I have been doing an inward happy dance as I've been browsing through it's fabulous articles. I came across this interview with Stevie Nicks (the interviewer was a member of the girl-band Eisley, who I adore). It made me smile, bigtime. Hurray for standards.

You’re known for your mystique in both your fashion and your music image. Did you ever feel the pressure to be more sexually revealing?

The only time I had that pressure was the Buckingham Nicks cover. I was really pushed into doing that. I didn’t want to do it, and Lindsey, my then-boyfriend, was not very nice about it. I ended up doing it, and I’ll tell you something; when I showed it to my dad six months later, I said, “You know I didn’t want to do this, Daddy.” And he said to me, “Well why didn’t you just say no?” I said I just felt like I had no choice. I’m an extremely modest woman. I guess you can probably see it through my clothes all down through the years with my long chiffon skirts and my big wispy sleeves. I always looked at it like, people wondering what was under all that was much sexier than having all that out there.

That’s one thing I love about you. Mystery can be so powerful.

Yeah, and it always works, and now it’s gone so far beyond that; I think it’s got to come back now because I really don’t think they can go any further. But I will tell you, stand up and say, “I’m not doing that!”

We haven’t gotten much pressure at all, so I’ve been really thankful for that.

I know Warner Bros. is a good label and I wouldn’t think they would push that down your throat, but it certainly has been pushed on a lot of people. It has happened to a lot of those women out there, and once you’ve gone into that, I believe it’s hard for people to take you very seriously. I always said, in my musical life I will never be treated like a second-class citizen. And you know what? I never was. I have never experienced being treated poorly except for the time when we did the Buckingham Nicks cover. So from that day onward, I walked out of that studio a different woman. Today people still tell me, “We loved that cover and it was just so amazing and so beautiful,” and I’m like, “Yeah, it was, I guess.” But the grief it caused me was certainly not worth it. So you still really need to hold your ground. You always need to do that.


April Fools...APRIL SHMOOLS.

I have always dreaded April Fools Day. The combination of my generally trusting and gullible nature makes me a prime target for pranks in all shapes and sizes. It's not like I'm Debbie Downer or something, I definitely have a sense of humor. I just HATE being startled! Gahh!

My dear mother is the patron saint of tomfoolery. She is, and always has been, the queen of April Fools day. I live in fear of her on April 1st of each year. Today, she's only gotten me once (by dropping fuzzy lint on me from our second-level landing while I unsuspectingly typed on the computor a few moments ago, which was the inspiration for this blog).

I have to go now, because the "Law and Order" episode playing on the TV behind me has given me a great idea for a prank, and it involves the more-than-slightly creepy mannequin heads I have left over from my stint in beauty school. Bwa ha ha hha. Perhaps some of her impishness has been passed onto me.

(Edit: here's what we ended up doing.... we had it sticking out from under her bed. Her reply? "You guys are SICK.")

Viva La April Fools.


my life is over.

I have discovered two things tonight that are causing me considerable amounts of stress and/or panic.

1. I can't apply for a campus job in Rexburg unless I take more credits. Which I won't do, cause I need money, and more class time will eradicate the purpose of working part time be cause I won't have any time left to work.

2. While searching for jobs off-campus in Rexburg, I came upon the website for Bearworld. It is located within the city limits of Rexburg.

I HATE BEARS. Bearworld (aka HELL) is responsible for a string of recurring nightmares that have haunted me from an anxious, creepy part of my psyche for approximately 6 years.

Let me explain. We decided to stop at Bearworld (heaven knows why) to look at bears on our way home from our last family trip to Montana. My family thought it would be awesome to look at bears. I wanted no part of it. The cabin we had stayed at is in grizzly bear country. I had just gotten over jitters and insomnia caused by fear of waking up and seeing a fat, irritable grizzly standing over ones bed. I wanted civilization. I yearned for the reassurance of the suburbs, where even the largest animal that is within a ten mile radius is not one that can chomp your head off and/or peel the metal from your car like a can of sardines. I did NOT want to stop at BEAR-freaking-WORLD.

It wasn't even an ordinary zoo. There were no cages. It was like some backwoodsy hunter decided to start bringing his catch home ALIVE, and let them play in his backyard. Grizzlies, Black Bears... and Wolves. Wolves, I tell you!!! It was like a beastly petting zoo, with chain- link fences separating some of the different animals. You know, so that they don't all of the sudden start feasting on each others flesh.

So we drove through. Yes, drove through. Next to lumbering, thousand pound omnivores. I think my dad tried to roll down his window. It scarred me for life.

And so, tonight as I googled for employment, I discovered that Bearworld is in Rexburg.

My life is over.


Quote of the day....

(Cameron, 4) "Hey, Teacher? What kind of car do you drive?"

(Me) "It's called a Mirage. It's silver."

(Cameron) "Oh really? 'Cause my parents are rollin' in ESCALADES!!!"


Quote of the day...

I am going to start posting all the cute quotes I can remember from my kids, because - alas! - I have misplaced my notebook that contains 4 years of funny kid quotes. I want to cry.

However, blogging is alot less fickle than a notebook, because 1. - It cannot be barfed on (something that presents a real threat to literary records in my line of work) and 2. - I cannot lose it. Boo hoo for now, and when I find my little pink notebook, all of the quotes from the insightful children I've been blessed take care of will be going on here.

This is actually from friday. There was a freak hailstorm pounding on the roof of the daycare, and I was about to head out to the parking lot for my lunchbreak. To get there, I get to cross through my old classroom of 4 and 5 year olds. Most of them are sleeping on cots, since it's usually naptime when I break. However, there's always a few hardcore hyper kids that don't sleep. As I tip-toed throught the room, Devin popped his head up and said, "Miss Tami! Be sure you watch out for the blizzard! Its CRAZY out there!"

I thanked him, and promised I'd be careful. As I was closing the door, I heard his buddy Cameron whisper desperately, "What do you mean there's a lizard out there?!!! DON'T LET IT COME IN HERE!!!"


A bit of inspiration.

I have been lying in bed all day. I'm not actually sick, I'm not exactly depressed.

I am anxious about alot of things at the moment - school, money, money, boys in general. Money. And when I get anxious, I get a case of the lazies. A BIG case of the "it's alot more convienient to lay in bed and read all day than it is to get up and clean my room, and brush my teeth, only because once I do the basic necessities, it will mean that I have to address the piles of bills and laundry that are stubbornly growing in various corners around my bedroom," LAZIES.

So, I just stayed in bed. It's been a bit of a habit lately, one that hasn't gotten a hold of me in some time. I got on the computor, and procrastinated a bit more by visiting facebook - where my 'Grey's Anatomy' quote of the day profile box made me remember something that Meredith had once said -

Meredith Grey: "A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."

I remembered it, and I feel better, and ready to get back in gear. Bless that Doctor's fictional and insightful little heart.


No Cheeks!

At a La Petite staff meeting recently, my boss Tracy was covering a few of the regular topics that staff meetings are called for - cleaning, parent interaction, and dress code. The first two topics were covered fairly routinely, and after a brief spiel on the third topic about collared shirts and dress pants, she said:

"Okay, guys. I really hate to even have to say this, but please make sure that your pants cover your underwear when you bend over. If there is even the slightest chance that your panties are going to be exposed, don't wear anything skimpy. Tanner [her son] saw his first thong right here, at La Petite when he was three. He turned to me after seeing a teacher bend over to pick up a child and said, 'MOM! Why is she wearing undies that have NO CHEEKS?!'
.....and that's all I'm going to say about that."



Working with kids (mainly ages 12 to 20 months) is a huge eye-opening experience on multiple levels. Its amazing to watch how much and how quickly they learn, but on the flipside, the fact that they are learning the majority of it while I'm not paying attention is scary. This week merited a huge wake up call on my part. Let me illustrate -

I was picking up a child to set her on my lap, when suddenly I bumped a hangnail that was on my thumb, and it hurt like CRAZY. I made a little yelp, and immediately stuck my thumb in my mouth. Lali (the girl on my lap, about one and a half years old) didn't notice anything, but to my surprise Tavin (who'll be two in a few months) came running over to me at full speed with a look of concern in his eyes. He asked, "She bite? (translation: Did she bite you?)" while patting my arm. I smiled and said no. It really touched me that his reaction was probably a very close imitation of how he saw me and my fellow teachers respond to an 'owie.'

Later on in the week, complete pandemonium was ensuing during lunchtime. There was food everywhere, and many of the children were dumping their sippy cups out onto their plates and smushing the concoctions around, art-sculpture style. The ones who weren't engaged in that pursuit were either crying or running around the room.

Lunchtime is usually hectic, since all of the kids are tired and hungry. That day was worse than usual, however. In a last ditch attempt to establish some kind of order, I asked Ben to sit in his chair. He did, but when I turned around again, he was up on it again, and jumping. I was startled, a bit scared, and alot irritated when I blurted out, "Benedict!!" (That's his real first name.) It wasn't loud, but it wasn't kind, either. He was a little agast, and sat down. As he did, Rory (one of the older toddlers), looked in Ben's direction and said in the same tone that I had used, "Ben-nih-nid!" He scowled as he said it, and Ben's little expression fell when his friend berated him.

I can assure you that I have no desire to ever use the full-name-treatment again. Working with my babies is like holding up a very honest mirror to my own disposition and actions, and it helps me to get some kind of taste of what having my own children and being a parent is going to be like someday. Beautiful, but also occasionally terrifying.


I've finally gotten a blogspot of my own!

Hurray! I'm already pumped about it. Just so I can have all of my blogs/ramblings in one spot, my first post here will be a collection of all the myspace blogs I want to keep 'for posterity'.

I had to fight myself pretty hard not to correct/edit/add to each individual blog, because there's so much about each one I'd love to change. But, instead, here they are, in all their grammatical error and glory.


[11 Nov 2007 Sunday] 12:50 AM - Dear poopyface.

You don't get to know how I'm doing, and what I've been up to. You don't get to tell me about how in love you are with her, and how your life is wonderful. You don't get to know what my life has been like the past year. You don't really even have a right to send me a polite email, like we're friends. We're not. We're not even technically exes, which makes this even weirder. You've never held my hand. We've never eaten dinner together and caught a movie. You've never kissed me. You've never even looked in my eyes and told me you loved me.You did a good job of ending it all - and when you did, you surrendered your right to know how I'm really doing. Last time I let you in, you broke me... So you're not allowed back in my life. Ever. Even as a distant friend. As much as I dislike sounding like a cheesy teen movie, I wish I could hate you. I wish that I could physically purge myself of all the memories that have you in them, so that when you drop random emails my way they don't come rushing back like you never did me dirty.But you did. And I hate that I sent you a reply the moment I opened it. I hate that I sat for an hour and read all of the old letters we had sent back and forth when I had first moved away from The Bay. I hate that it made me cry. I hate that I can't hate you for it. Please leave me alone, and let me be happy.


[10 Aug 2007 Friday] 8:09 PM - Karma Points.

I know it probably reduces the effectiveness of my positive-karma-juju when I show off my good deeds. Whatever. I'm very pleased with myself for not betchslapping anyone today.It's been one of those days. Er, one of those weeks. Gah. Scenario One: I pulled into the parking lot at the gas station down the street from my work. I was stoked it was so close, because that way I could fill up on my break, and not waste a whole lot of time. And I was uber-excited that it was only 2.63 a gallon. I noticed a car that was just about to pull out and free up a pump right in front of me. I stationed myself behind him, wanting to high-five myself on how time-efficient this trip was going to be.Out of nowhere, some grizzly looking hick with a boat rigged behind his truck comes running towards me, waving his arms. He goes, "No way! I was waiting here, for this pump! Uh-uh! I have to pull in from the other side, that's why I was parked way over here ....(bla bla bla)."For half a second, I wanted to roll up to the pump, politely tell him to brush his teeth(they were brown), and proceed to fill up my tank.But, I didn't. I smiled and said, "No problem!" I waved, and since I had to be back at work, I just drove back to the daycare. Scenario two(same day): I was driving home, and I was extremely glad my day was about to be over. Two teachers had asked for the day off. It had been "Splash Day" for my class, which meant I was now flying solo in getting 19 four year olds in and out of bathing suits, putting on SPF, locating towels, and not losing anyone's socks, underwear, or fairy princess skirts. So, to say the least, it had been a long day. I'm driving down a street next to DHS, and out of nowhere there's these three kids on skateboards, who's pants were too WAY TOO TIGHT, and who could have been -at most- 11 or 12 years old. They were playing chicken, and the fattest, stupidest one was literally rolling exactly down the middle of the street. Barely moving. The car in front of me just honked and went around them, and the hoodlums laughed.I wanted to roll down my window, and using a few choice 4 letter words, tell them I was going to follow them home and tell their mothers what they were doing. Or, just hit them. Not hard, just enough to scare them.(Just kidding. Mostly.)Instead, I drove around and gave them a medium-intensity deathstare.I can practically hear the karma points adding up. Cha-ching.Note to my friends: feel free in using my comment space to brag about your good deeds. It feels great.


[23 Oct 2007 Tuesday] 8:03 PM - Why being a preschool teacher ROCKS.

Quotes....from my students. Enjoy.

(Matthew, 4) "If my mom was ugly, I'd throw her in the trash."

(Kiley, 5) "MISS TAMI! Cutter just called me a poopy ASS."

(Gaven, 4) "Oh, man! I love rootbeer. My dad loves real beer. It helps him grow his beard. That's why they call it BEER."

(Dillon, 4) "Oh my gosh guys, Britney Spears, she shaved her head all the way bald. And she is a girl!"(Gretchen, 5) "I know. Bwitney Spears is a pwetty girl, but she doesn't know vewy much about life."(Dillon) "I KNOW!! She doesn't even know spanish!"

(Kiley, 5) "Um, teacher. Chuckie the doll came into Jaymee's house and knocked over her table, then bit her on the knee. Then, he came to my house and killed my dog."(Me) "Wow, you have such a big imagination!"(Kiley)"EXCEPT, It's real. And scary."(Me) "Okay."

"Your brain will pop open if a witch stabs you in the head, you know." - Audrey, 5

(While staring at a friend in amazement) "I have never seen a human eat a popsicle that fast." - Dillon

Andrew, 5, is really intelligent for his age and is also obsessed with fireworks. He brings in pyrotechnic catalogs all the time, and tells me everything he learns. One day, I asked, "Andrew, why do you know so much about fireworks?"Matter of factly, he goes, "That's just the way God made me."


[11 Jun 2007 Monday] 11:26 PM - Nanner, Nanner, Nanner.

So, I was in 7-11 today before work, grabbing a Dr. Pepper and some energy bars for breakfast. I walked in and there were these three guys wearing dirty white shirts milling around… not really buying anything, just hanging out. When I came in they all looked up. I stared at my shoes - not embarrassed- but because I generally hate being the center of attention, especially in a situation that I have no control over. They started mumbling stuff and then one of them whistled. Okay, timeout for a sec.…..SO – it's almost flattering to get attention in that form. Even from dirty-shirted mongrel men ....Almost. Because when a guy whistles at you, he's not really complimenting YOU – he's wordlessly admiring whatever body parts of yours that he digs. It's nice to know that he likes what he sees, but then on the flipside, to be seen as nothing more than a jumble of pleasing body parts is incredibly demeaning... Because if he thought of you as more than that, he would actually speak to you like a human being. Instead, he feels that only your body merits some kind of attention - not you as a person. HENCE - the whistle. Okay, back to my story.So, my plan was to run a marathon to the drink fridge, buy my stuff,and get out of there as fast as I could. I knew they were harmless - but it's always so awkward and irritating to feel out numbered and semi-harassed. BUT... Then I decided I was done. Done being worried that on my way out, one of them might try to grab my butt. Done worrying that what I was wearing, how I did my hair, how I walked, etc. sent a signal that made me somehow responsible for what they said, did, or the greedy way they looked at me. I'm totally done looking at the ground, feeling embarrassed and oddly ashamed when I'm in a situation like that one. Being in charge of 18+ wiggly, opinionated five year olds everyday has really does wonders for my assertiveness.I spun around at the second whistle. I crossed my arms, raised my eyebrows – and gave them the nastiest 'angry teacher' look I could manage. It's fairly terrifying."Can I help you?" Silence. Then, the best part - their slightly shocked, vacant expressions. "That's what I thought." I thanked the cashier and walked out. When I was in my car, they came outside -and I stared at them. Hard. They looked away. I had a great day.


[18 Apr 2007 Wednesday] 7:45 PM - Don't you dare put his picture on the front page. Current

School shootings scare the crap out of me - and in an instant, afer the initial numbness and shock, there's this strange familiar chill, a deadness, that comes. It's the same cold that i felt on 4-20, aftter school my 8th grade year. I was sitting stock still on my couch for hours, watching Columbine unfold on the news. My leg fell asleep and I still couldn't move - shocked and scared and sad and mad all at once. It does alot to you. It pissed me off to the point of tears the next day when a few of the obnoxious yet usually harmless anti-establishment punks donned trenchcoats, and thought that they were funny. I wasn't the same for weeks. I can't wrap my head around it - all the warnings, all the safeties and precautions that could have been set in place on so many levels - for all the shootings. Trolley Square. Columbine. VT. Why didn't anyone think it was odd that the fringe kids talked constantly about violence? Why didn't anyone just tackle them an take them down? How can human beings feel justified in deeming anyone elses life (let alone dozens of lives) as just another bullet? That level of selfishness and hatred - as repulsive as it is - is never brought about in the heat of the moment. These kids never just 'snap'. And don't even get me started on call those anti- depressant theories. No. The signs are visible - painfully so - and not just in hindsight. If onlookers had just seen outside of themselves for a moment they could have seen - and helped - indviduals who were so consumed with pain, anger, illness, and desperation that they would do anything to be listened to. There was this kid at WHS my sophmore year. He ate lunch about 50 yards away from where my friends and I ate. His name was Sam. The jocks would throw stuff at him when he walked by them, and I'd always hear the people in his group loudly giving him grief - over dumb stuff. Day in, day out, Sam was the butt of the joke, the scapegoat, the loner, the kid you laughed at to let others know that you were cool. It was sick. He was a year ahead of me in school - so for at least 2 years that I know of, his life was daily hell. The details might be a little mixed up in my memory, but I remember (I can't forget, actually) that one rainy morning, Sam came to school, and was approached by a friend of his. She walked up, and there were a few people surrounding them (not a whole lot, since it was early in the morning, and classes hadn't started.) He pulled a knife out of his jacket - a huge kitchen knife - and held it to her throat. Just like that . It was rainy, and as the raindrops started gathering on the knife, and he'd occasionally wipe the beads of water off on her shirt. A crowd started to gather, a teacher was called over, and they eventually talked him down. The girl was ok. Obviously, Sam was not.What if that morning, he'd chosen a gun instead of a knife to get his desperate point across? To be finally seen as a person, with feelings and pain and loneliness? Everyone knew Sam was being taunted, having garbage thrown at him, being publicly humiliated daily. Why did it take a violent act to make me REALLY see him? I can't look at anyone the same since. Not all shooters are tormented by peers. They're all fixated on and affected by something - rage, control, selfishness, vanity, the quest to see their picture on the cover of Time magazine, finally having their 'mein kampf' sounded from the rooftops as the public reels from the news, an obsession with the glamorization of violence and killing and carnage.But beyond all that, what always haunts me is who they were one day earlier. Who they were, the 'WHY?' of the whole puzzle. It's a mystery who's solution could help cure the epidemic of gun weilding serial killers bent on destruction. They make me furious. Thinking about them, and people like them, makes me physically ill. I wish I could be there, the day before - and just shake their shoulders, and scream in their faces that their intended victims are not just characters in their twisted fantasy on how the world appears. They're people. They have lives, that go way beyond his experience of them - that the grief and pain and anger and loss and sorrow will echo through thousands of people for dozens of years for each victim.And then I start noticing people at restaurants, in stores, walking down the street, or driving - and the world, with all it's goodness, seems a little darker and more dangerous because we truly don't know the capabilities of that one sullen stranger that we pass every day, and never notice. I hate it. It sucks.


[29 Mar 2007 Thursday] 1:39 PM - For all you warm-fuzzy emailing, Mormon folklore telling folks...

....Here's a page for you to check out. http://www.snopes.com/glurge/glurge.aspI don't know why LDS urban legends, mass email 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' letters, and tall tales irritate me so much....probably because I'm gullible. So before you hit the 'send' button or get up in Sacrament meeting to tell that familiar story that ends, "Because of the two huge guys standing behind her!!!", get your facts straight. And for the record Steve Martin is NOT Mormon.


[19 Jan 2007 Friday] 10:19 PM - Jeepers.

I just got done watching a 3-hour marathon of "To Catch a Predator." It was so satisfying to watch, (although the language could get to be NC-17) because the basic premise of the show is this: They set up decoys from the online watchdog service PervertedJustice.com to pose as a 13-year-old boy or girl. When the predator begins to chat with the decoy, and sends messages and pictures of an inappropriate nature, the decoy (after telling the predator more than once that they are only 13) then tells the predator they are home alone, and provides them with an address.Waiting at that address is a MSNBC news anchor, a bunch of cameras, and police officers. yay.I guess why the show is so satisfying/terrifying to watch is that although the freak of nature gets caught, he honestly appears to be totally normal - and repeatedly denies any wrongdoing when confronted by the authorities and the camera.The perpatrators range from ALOT of computer software geekophiles to respected doctors, husbands, and teachers. It scares me to death that they are just out there, walking around like they are good upstanding members of society, and would have never gotten caught if the sting operation hadn't been there.But, it was there. And they went to jail. Yikes.


[28 Dec 2006 Thursday] 11:57 PM - DREAMS

So, for an awful long time I've been trying to remember to write my dreams down on a day by day basis. As soon as I wake up, I find myself either a little disappointed to have discovered my lovely night-time adventures were just a dream, or extremely relieved - my nightmares usually involve very, very stressful situations as opposed to the crypt-keeper-like fabrications that they were when I was young.OR- (this is the most frequent occurance) I wake up and feel very amused and a little puzzled. My dreams - more often than not - are so bizzare, random and intense that I could write a freakin book about it - and Freud himself would have a tough time figguring them out. I'd love a little perspective on them.Here they are, unembellished, and complete with all the details I can remember. So....here we go, down the freakin' rabbit hole.12-26-07: The fist snippet of the dream that I could remember was me hearing a ruckus around the corner from where I was (which just happened to be my childhood elementary school playground) in the bathroom that I used to always cover in spit-balls, (and become giddy from the disciplinary danger that it put me in). I ran to see what the hubbub was all about. Ashlee simpson (sans haircut and nose job) was in the bathroom, looking very upset about something. I noticed that the bathroom was covered in phrases like "RIP" and "We love you MacDre" and other lines of rememberance for those that have died in the battle of the streets. I also noticed that she had a can of paint in her hand.She looked away from me, and began furiously spray-painting again, muttering things about how she needed to express her feelings.I was like, "ASHLEE! Knock it off! They're all gonna think I'M the one defacing public property, and I am for sure NOT going to jail for you."She scoffed at me, and then continued on. I woke up really annoyed...>..> 6-8-07 : Me, my mother, my sisters, plus Jackie and her friend Chrissy were in a really expensive hotel room. My mom had found these little baby lion and tiger cubs, and had kept them a secret from us. She had been keeping them in this hotel closet and they had grown up to be these humongous, feral jungle cats , and I thought it was way dangerous, so I told the manager. my mom got way pissed and was like, Tami! after all I've done for you!.... then the manager turned off the lights, and I was like, Guys, we better get some weapons. And jackie looks at me with this disdain and goes, Tam. They probably already have weapons.... it was so stressful and confusing and cryptic. BLA.


[23 Nov 2006 Thursday] 9:51 PM - Lucky girl.

Wow. So, I'm cheesy. I freely and openly admit it. This Thanksgiving though, I really gotta say....I'm alive. I live in a free country. I have a family who loves eachother - AND we like eachother, to boot. I'm healthy- a luxury that I haven't always been able to count as mine. I have God, friends, and a family who have not only always been there for me, but who never gave up on me. Not through my tantrums, my anti-social binges into solitude, and my weakest days. There's so much more, too.....I'm just a really lucky girl.


[05 Nov 2006 Sunday] 1:17 AM - Knock it off.

Things that need to stop:
* Customers who assume that the fitting rooms at my PacSun are free-fart-zones. They're not. And you're sick.
*Political commercials that have nothing to do with the issues, which feature pictures of opposing candidates in bad light, so their wrinkles show. Its rude.
*Cyclists who feel that having blinking accessories, really tight spandex, rudimentary knowlege of hand-signals, and headlights on their bikes somehow makes them cars, and gives them the right to RIDE IN THE STREET, going 17 mph on a 40 mph road. I will ram you one of these days. Its not a threat - it's a warning.
*Lastly...People who make any one of my sisters cry-For any amount of time, for any reason. You suck buttcakes. I am 100% LADY...however, please note that I WILL whip out my angry-ghetto-woman-attitude, take out my earrings while muttering to myself, and fight you (should we ever come face to face). This family has no older brothers, so needless to say I'm trying to fill the shoes as best I can. Watch yourself, BETCH.Peaceout.


[01 Oct 2006 Sunday] 1:25 AM - Made my day. Yeeeah.

So, even though I have been icky sick the past two nights, and have spent about half of that time trying not to puke, and spent the other half seething about certain men I've encountered in my life that left me all the worse for knowing them.... I still know, and understand that the entire male race is not all the same. And I want to thank the few studs I've met over the past years,(and the ones who I don't even know, who just impress me from afar) who consistently and firmly convince me of that, and that chivalry is not entirely dead. Why the turnaround? As I was rehearsing over and over in my head what I'd love to hiss at "Mr. I-only-call-you-when-i'm-wasted", "Mr. I-can't-even-look-you-in-the-eyes(they're up here, buddy!)-while-addressing-you", "Mr. I-took-advantage-of-one-of-your-best-friends-and-rubbed-her-face-in-it-over-Myspace", "Mr. I-finally-gained-your-trust-right-before-I-broke-your-sister's-heart", and my new personal fave, "Mr. I'm-so-holy-on-sunday-but-i-become-a-predatorial-horndog-when-we're-alone"....I was flipping through the channels and being angry. I stopped on Vh1, and it was some random show called "I married..." and the couple featured in it was Carnie Wilson and her Hubby. I love Carnie. She used to be humongous, and her weight loss was really inspirational. So, there I was, hating most men, and i thought to myself..."SURE, he likes her now that she's all skinny. What a D-bag." Then, to my surprise (and embarassment for my pessimism), the show back tracked to when they met, how they did, their first kiss, etc. He met her at a show - her show- when she was about 350 pounds(at least). It showed a picture of him enthusiastically cheering her on from the crowd - this attractive, non-weird, genuine guy, cheering for his new 350- pound girlfriend. The present-tense interviewer asked him what it was like being with Carnie when she was her biggest, and he goes (matter-of-factly), "You know, it was just so easy to see past her size." I started to cry. Yes, I was sick and tired and PMS-ing, but you know what? That will touch me till the day I die. It reminded me of the few guys i know who are not like all the other ones, who choose to be something better.It made my day.


[30 Aug 2006 Wednesday] 11:05 PM - Thanks alot, Warren FREAKING Jeffs.

Category: Religion and Philosophy

When extremists started carrying out terrorist plots against the US on 9-11, after being shocked and horrified and emotional about the pain human beings can cause one another, after all crying for the victims families had been done, after all the obvious questions and concerns had been voiced, one of the first rational thoughts that came to my mind was how our country was going to handle the imminent threat of racial profiling and bigotry against Muslims, and people of middle eastern descent. I recalled from a social studies class in the third grade (yes, i remember social studies classes from the third grade- I remember it because it disturbed me so much) that during WW2, the American people suddenly disowned and socially rejected all those who were of Japanese origin or descent - we even had camps that we felt it necessary to pen them (human beings, and US citizens no less) up in, until the time that they were considered "dangerous" had passed. I remember it mainly because even at that age, i could draw conclusions about how people should and shouldn't treat each other. I grew up in a very, very culturally diverse community - I always joked that being caucasion meant being in the minority. So when the subject was broached to my little 8-year-old mind that we, as a country, had committed such a gross act of injustice and prejudice against a huge group of people in the relatively recent past, i honestly felt sick, and angry to boot. I still remember how the unfairness of it all resonated inside of me.I thought, after over 50 years of learning, living, and tolerating one another's differences in the USA we had come to some kind of collective understanding of our past mistakes during wartime hysteria, against cultural and racial minorities.I was wrong. I couldn't believe how quickly the accusatory "Terrorist Radar" mindsets were setting in. It was insane. And, without going into more detail than I could fit into one blog, we have, as a nation, once again committed collective judgements and condemnations upon a isolated group of individuals, namely, all of Islam and those who are from the middle east, or look as though they could be. It sickens me. I lived in Utah, a much less diverse area than the CA bay area that I grew up in; I expected some kind of explosive backlash against Muslims here. I didn't really find any, other than harsh, untrue accusations and gross generalizations. Not that those aren't hanus in and of themselves, but I felt relieved that the ignorant backlash didn't go further. I learned, though, that at my old high school in the bay area, that TONS of kids, my age, who were Muslim, or looked middle eastern, or wore a turban or anything like that - they had gotten attacked, spit on, and their lockers had been spray painted with slurs. These were good, religious, passive people - just ordinary kids that believed a certain way, looked a certain way, and were persecuted for it. It sickened me. I know that I probably knew some of the perpatrators, and some of the victims as well. I couldn't, and still can't, wrap my head around why we must lump in an entire people with the radical group that just happens to reside within their ranks. That would be alot like saying all north-american Christians are part of the KKK, or that all Mormons are polygamist cultists. Which brings me to my main point...I am so glad that Warren Jeffs, the CRAZY-A polygamist cult leader, got captured. I'm thrilled he can no longer abuse little girls, brainwash adults, and create a gestapo-esque police force that ensures his 'religious rights' are maintained. I am not, however, glad that with all the publicity that is being shined on his capture, there is also alot of mention of his cult's basic roots being within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. (otherwise know as 'the mormons'.) Like any fundamentalist/ extremist group, like the KKK, or fundamentalist Muslim terrorists, the cult of Warren Jeffs is just that - a cult, a breakoff from a mainstream and otherwise peaceful religious group of people. I am one of those people; I'm Mormon. I don't appreciate Warren Jeff's muddying my church's name with his perverse and unlawful practices.... And now, I'm gaining a whole new level of empathy for my Muslim friends, who's religious views are being dragged through the mud by a SMALL group of feverishly misguided souls. Our public image as a church hasn't been as badly and as unjustly tarnished as Islam's. However, I can now relate better to the pain that devout Muslims feel, seeing their beliefs twisted, and then paraded around in an atmosphere that only causes confusion about who believes what.It just makes me sad. Please - if you ever have questions about anything, anywhere, educate yourself. If the whole world did that, in a really sincere and earnest desire to simply learn about each other - I'm pretty convinced that it would be a much better place to live.


[27 Aug 2006 Sunday] 9:15 PM - ...but for reals.

I love hearing a song that puts into words what hurts so bad, that you can't even say, and it says it in a way that's true to the point, and real - without being patronizing. (even if it is an alanis morissette song.)All I really need is this - Wrapped up in a handsome, intelligent, compassionate package - stat.


I can be an asshole of the grandest kind

I can withhold like it's going out of style.

I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone

Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met

I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected

I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen

And you've never met anyone

Who's as positive as I am -sometimes.

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking

My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating

I'm TERRIFIED and ...mistrusting

And you've never met anyone as,

As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see EVERYTHING, you see every part

-You see all my light, and you love my dark

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed

There's not anything to which you can't relate - And you're still here.


[05 Aug 2006 Saturday] 11:36 PM - Summer Lightning Storms are Perfect.

They're perfect for alot of reasons, too many to list - but mostly, tonight, they are perfect to sit back, and drink in. They're perfect to drive up to my thinking spot in the hills, park, and mull over absolutely everything - and nothing in particular. I watched the lights dance all around me, and felt alive, and especially greatful to be alive. Not many people get a second lease on life, and I thank my Heavenly Father every day in my prayers for the second shot I've gotten. Its so strange that something as dwarfing as watching the lightning shoot across the sky helps me feel important. Helps me put things in perspective - and oddly enough, as perfect of a moment that it would have been, to share with some boy who I adored - I didn't feel lonely. I'm happily single. I let my mind drift to every relationship, pseudo- relationship, crush, obsession, and guilty-pleasure guy I've come across in my romantic adventures. I found it so strange that among all the sweethearts, jerks, indifferent horndogs, thoughtful friends and old pals, that the only things I truly regretted were the "what if's?" Even with the uncommon occurence of love, and love unrequited, betrayals, insensitive brush-offs, and even deaths - the things that haunt me, that kill me really, are those wrenching situations where I really don't know what could have happened. Where I didn't take a chance, where I didn't put my all into what could have been something awesome- those are what kill me. I can get over Allen becoming an a**face. (I have no qualms with putting that in writing - I mean it. I know he doesn't think of me half as much as I still think of him from time to time. He won't read this.) I can get over that other jerk that led me on. I can get over being used and discarded. I can even get over Ry being gone for now - because I can say that I really tried my best. Thats what i'm gonna shoot for, from now on. I'm not gonna leave any room for question or doubt - I'm taking my heart off the shelf. Watch out.


[31 Jul 2006 Monday] 10:40 PM - Silly, Hopeless, Romantic Girl. Right Here.

This is a list of songs that I would love to have been written for me. This list is gonna be an ongoing thing. Hey- a girl can dream, can't she?

*The Minstrels Prayer - Cartel
*Hey There Delilah - Plain White Tees
*The Tension And The Terror - Straylight Run
*I'll Be - Edwin McCain
*We Belong Together - Gavin DeGraw
*You Don't Know Me - Michael Buble
*Stay With Me - Josh Gracin
*I Miss You - Incubus
*Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus
*Fools Rush In - Elvis Presley
*Collide - Howie Day
*When A Man Loves A Woman - Percy Sledge
*After All - Brett James
*When You Love Someone - Brian Adams
*Songs About Rain - Gary Allen
*Best of Me - The Starting Line
*Seasons - Good Charlotte


[24 Jun 2006 Saturday] 12:15 AM - I have come to a conclusion.

My driveway is haunted. Laugh if you must. Its the only explaination I could fathom. Exhibit A: After I had just purchased my car Delilah, I sat down in my drive way, about to start her up. Suddenly, BOTH DOOR'S locks clicked twice, simotaneously. So what, you ask? I could have bumped the button with my elbow, you say? Think again. My car does NOT have automatic door locks. (makes eerie noise)Exhibit B: A few nights ago, my little sister kris was sitting in the Saturn, keys out of the ignition, at about 2am. Out of nowhere, the car shook back and forth violently, and Kris saw a weird, tall shape move back and forth across her rear view mirror. She had my dad come out to make sure there were no boogie men present (naturally). He came out, looked up and down the street - thats right, he saw no one, I tell you. No one. My mom suggested that a cat jumped on the bumper, and made all the ruckus. Two problems - 1) there were no cat prints on the vehicle, and 2) cats never weigh 70 pounds and are heavy enough to shake a TWO TON CAR. Not even Jackie's cat, Louie. Even though he does have an abnormally large belly. Spooky. Yikes.


[26 May 2006 Friday] 10:30 PM - Stupidness.

Can I vent for a second? Thanks. I was going to anyways. As a crazy - a feminist, I have realized something startling and bothersome about the female species - we like to act stupid. I don't mean all of us, and I don't mean all the time, either. Let me illustrate. I consider myself a reasonably deep, intelligent girl. But when I'm around guys ( generally really, really attractive guys) I get this inexplicable urge to act, well, dumb. I catch myself widening my eyes, laughing louder, and pretending to hang onto every word they say, like I may not grasp it all. Its ridiculous. Once the stupid spell passes, I am left wondering. Why did I do that? Is there a scientific explaination for this? Or am I really a (gasp) 'dumb blond' (so to speak)!? I've noticed it among other girls, as well. I don't know if they notice it themselves like I do, or if they're in total oblivion about it - but it doesn't matter. It happens to the best of us. And it bugs me. This isn't something that I can pin on men, either. I've never met a man who encourages women to be dumb. I've never been flirting with a guy when he suddenly stops and says, "Man, I'd find you way more attractive if you were stupider." I don't know if the cause is that once upon a time men were the only ones who could recieve an education ( i'm talking wayyyyyy back in the day), and to make them feel macho women downplayed their own intelligence; maybe it doesn't even have to do with men and their perceptions. (contrary to popular belief, i don't hate the entire male race; that kind of feminism is just as idiotic as surpressing a group just because of gender. I call it like i see it.) All I know is, that on some subconscious level, women think men like stupid girls. It bothers me. Another thing, while I'm on the topic. Who the heck invented the idea that successful, intelligent, independant women can't also be attractive physically? Its kind of the opposite idea as my previous rant. There was a study done a little bit ago, about women in the workplace. People were shown first a picture of a business woman in conservative attire, hair up, makeup-less, glasses. Then, a different group of people were shown THE SAME WOMAN, this time with makeup, pretty hair, stylish clothes. Which one do you think they voted to be more intelligent AND a better executive? The "ugly" one. The one who toned her beauty down in order to fit into a male- dominated feild. Would it be too much for mankind to handle if a woman was *gasp* beautiful and smart? Or would the world implode? I hate being judged. I hate having to choose one side or the other of the parts of my personality, of WHO I AM, that are entwined: My femininity, or my intellect. My independence or the security and comfort that comes from being taken care of. Anyone who can shed some light on these topics would be greatly appreciated. <3 Tami


[19 May 2006 Friday] 12:32 AM - Boyfriend?

So, I have a problem. I want a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong - I'm totally cool just chilling and being single and independant. But from time to time-like this summer for instance, which is busting at the seams with my friends' weddings- I just see how much fun it would be to have someone to be with. I get all reminded of how long its been since I've actually been on a date, let alone in a relationship, and I feel kind of lonely. Okay, really lonely. The thing is though - I don't really want to get married, like, tomorrow. And I live in Utah. And I'm 20. See, if you're not from here, you probably wouldln't understand, but just hear me out. My friends that are gettin married are MY AGE - and younger. And that really is the norm here. And seeing how happy they are makes me ... just want to inch outside my comfort zone, and see what the water's like. I'm not unhappy with who I am, or where I am in life - just curious about how much richer my life would be with a relationship in it. I don't know. Seein all these happy couples is sort of a stinging reminder of how long its been - and how little of the romance arena I've even experienced. I've never technically been in a real, commited relationship. I'd like to know how it feels, to have someone care specifically and especially about me... to have someone's hand to hold, to smile at for no reason, to keep me warm. I'm practically VL kids. I'm not bitter, seriously, just .... curious. And hopeful, that it could be something I stumble upon in the near future. Cross your fingers for me.


[28 Apr 2006 Friday] 11:47 AM - Grief.

Do you ever hear a song, and think....man, that song was written for me. Then you see the video, and think - no, this song was made ABOUT me. Its insane.

"Probably wouldn't be this way" - LeAnn Rhimes

Got a date a week from friday with the preacher's son

Everybody says he's crazy

I'll have to see

I finally moved to Jackson when the summer came

I won't have to pay that boy to rake my leaves

I'm probably going on and on

It seems I'm doing more of that these days

I probably wouldn't be this way

I probably wouldn't hurt so bad

I never pictured every minute without you in it

Oh you left so fast

Sometimes I see you standing there

Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch

Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much

God gave me a moment's grace

'Cause if I'd never seen your face

I probably wouldn't be this way

Mama says that I just shouldn't speak to you

Susan says that I should just move on

You oughta see the way these people look at me

When they see me 'round here talking to this stone

Everybody thinks I've lost my mind

But I just take it day by day

Probably wouldn't be this way

Got A Date a week from Friday with a preacher's son

Everybody says I'm crazy

Guess I'll have to see


[15 Apr 2006 Saturday] 3:03 PM - I had plans.

Big plans, in fact. Pay off my car. go to a little of school at weber. Go to San Diego. Be independant. Do you ever want to throw yourself on the floor, and pound your fists and kick and scream? I do. Right now. I quit my job... I had to. I didn't even give them two weeks, and right now i'm just sick of being me. Sick of being too sick to understand why I can't get out of bed some days, why lying there, sleeping is so much more appealing than getting up and having a life. I'm sick of feeling the scum on my teeth and really wondering, REALLY, when the last time was that I actually showered and brushed my teeth. Actually took care of myself. Here's the most confusing part of it all: when i'd see children at the day care who were being neglected, not even half as badly as I neglect myself, I'd get infuriated. I'd want to walk right up to their parents, shake them, and tell them how much their kids need to really be taken care of. I'm 20 years old, and i don't even know how to take care of myself. Or, rather, i know how; I just don't care. What I hate the most is people that don't understand, who aren't mentally and emotionally ill in some way, who try to tell you to 'shake it off'. Its stupid. Its like trying to tell a diabetic to raise their insulin production through sheer will power. It doesn't work that way. Then why do I still resent being on an aresenal of pills? When I need them just as much as a diabetic would need their injections? I don't know. Intellectually, I know I don't need to resent my illness. But its not my intellect that is impaired right now. Its my brain. They are different. Its like being trapped inside a prison that you realize isn't your fault, with people telling you all the while that the barriers, the prison that has become your body and mind and emotions, doesn't even exist. That psychiatry is a pseudo-science. That the best thing for you would be to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with life. You know what? they can bite me. They don't know squat about what i'm going through, and whatever level of intellect they've acheived that causes them to feel they have a right to tell me how I 'ought' to feel does not qualify them to judge my situation. They are not me. They don't know how it is. I guess the whole point of me trying to somehow get the smallest inkling of how I've felt for the good part of my 20 years on earth out onto the expanse of the internet is this: If I havent' seemed like myself lately, its because i'm not. If i'm a total witch to you, please don't take it personally. My actions are still mine to own up to; no amount of illness, of any sort, can take away our agency and it's consequences. I'm just saying... please be patient with me. I'm trying to get the 'old me' back, and to figure out just who she is. <3 Tam


[10 Feb 2006 Friday] 8:26 PM - How ridiculous.

Coming up is the first Valentine's Day in .... i don't know, a DECADE (!), where I don't absolutely loathe all the happy, kissy-face couples who sort of magically come out of the woodwork around February 14th each year. I'd watch them, year after year, hating the cloud of sugar-coated sweetness they'd leave in their wake. I'd try to convince myself it was all for show; no one could be that blissfully unaware of all the dismal things going on in the world, in this country. Year after year I'd ceremoniously have a chick-flick marathon, without fail, complete with comfy pajamas and handfuls of chocolate candy. I almost had myself convinced, too. I was all geared up to be angry and dismissive at any signs of lovey-doveyness (I swear, thats a real word) this year, too.That's what is so ridiculous- I am looking forward to this V-day... despite the fact that I'm single... Still. And even though I'm comparitively the size of an orca whale in relation to how fierce i used to look, I'm simply content with being alone... kind of greatful for it, come to think of it. I'm getting to know myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, so much better than I beleive I'd be able to if i was 'attached'...I love that. I'm so glad I didn't hop on the bandwagon of finding a really serious relationship right after I got my HS diploma. Not that my married friends (yes, I have MARRIED friends) got hitched just cause 'thats what everyone's doing', or anything like that! I admire them for being so brave. Its just that the more I think about it, the more I realize I am no where NEAR where I want to be when it comes to stability, and I truly want to be a whole person when my time comes to commit another entire human being to my life. This V-day, I'm just celebrating love. The little kids in my class are the basic reason behind this whole 'non-angry-at-couples' thing. In celebrating Valentines Day, I've had to explain the basics about what it is, why we have it, etc. to my kids. None of them are angry that they don't have romantic interests in their lives. They are just happy for the only love they've encountered: their families. When I asked them who they would want to give a valentine to, none of them talked about boyfriends or girlfriends; just mommies and daddies. I love my job. It always gives me the sweet and simple reminders I need in life to stay on track, to just take it all in, & savor the moment. I'm so greatful for all the love I have in my life, that I sometimes take for granted. Happy V-day everybody!


[05 Dec 2005 Monday] 11:33 PM - Annoyed doesn't even begin to describe it.

Its more like hurt, betrayed, degraded, disgusted. Its the helpless feeling that its going on all around me, and there is very little I can do to change it, and even less I can do to stop it. I've been so disturbed and bothered lately by something, but I didn't know how to say it, or describe it in a way that accurately portrayed my feelings. I was reading through blogs, (as I often do, i know, i'm a freakin lurker) and a friend of mine had somehow typed out my precise feelings. She said, "so I've noticed this pattern in advertisements featuring "hot chicks". (or at least the body of a "hot chick") the photos often are a torso shot, cutting off at the neck or eyes. oh please, Dear God, don't make me look into her eyes. please don't let the realization that I am supporting the objectification of a human being retard my pleasure! just let her be a body- without a name, without a face or eyes or a soul. just let me get it up and crank one out."I hate how true it is. I hate being looked at like a peice of meat. I hate the fact that women knowingly and willingly subject themselves (and all women, worldwide) to being objectified, degraded until they are no more to those who greedily stare at them than a form of entertainment. No longer a peice of exquisite artwork, but a low-end cheapened waste of potential. If you are a respectful man, thanks. You're a dying breed.


[11 Oct 2005 Tuesday] 7:26 PM - [F]abulous [A]nd [T]hick

I am not going to hide it or deny it any more: I've gotten a little ... fat. I'm pudgy. I miss not feeling myself jiggle in strange little ways when I walk. I miss not thinking about my food intake. But, I've come to a conclusion, today.... maybe even a proclaimation: I am going to work it. Yes, it may not be as cute as it used to be, but it is still my body. While I work off pounds and tone up, there is no reason for me to be beating myself up over it. I don't like how I look, so i'm going to do something about it. But until then, I refuse to keep berating myself for not being a rail thin runway model. It's not realistic. Yay for fat girls.


[19 Oct 2006 Sunday] 1:38 AM - It's been two years.

Just saying it shocks me. I'm shocked for alot of reasons - first being, I can't believe that over two full years have gone by. Two years of falling apart to find out who I really am. Two years that were a rollercoaster of shock, then pain, then anger, then that most horrible emotion of all - the overwhelming sadness, and emptiness from the hole his leaving left in my life. Ryan and I weren't even dating anymore when he got into that accident, but still, we had shared a closeness that has yet to be duplicated. I'm shocked, most of all though, because of how okay I am. October 19 marked the second anniversary of Ryan Hill's death, one of my best friends, and I felt a strange sort of peace, when I realized what day it was, that morning. I smiled, because I finally felt closure, and happy - not that he was gone, of course, but I just felt so blessed to have had him in my life, even if it was for such a short time. That's how he would have wanted me to feel, and its amazing to finally be content. I promised him, on his grave that I'd be able to come back to his headstone one day, and not cry - I've finally kept my promise. Live life to the fullest, friends ... and please always buckle up. <3 Tami